III. The Social Construction of Companionship: companionship as a societal norm
From “What is Social Construction?” by Laura Flores (http://oakes.ucsc.edu/academics/Core%20Course/oakes-core-awards-2012/laura-flores.html):
“Social construction is something you might not be aware of. Social construction is how society groups people and how it privileges certain groups over others. The social construction in this society is segregating us depending on our physical appearance and our material possessions. We are seen differently because of where we live, where we come from and how we look. Women are weak, and therefore men, whoa re strong and controlling, should be the ones in power. If you live in an apartment, then you must be from the lower class, but if you live in a house then you must be either middle or upper class. If you go to a private school then you must be rich, but if you go to a public school then most certainly you’re poor or low income. This is all what society has inculcated in us, but we also have fault that we have been caught up on this whole idea of stereotypes and standards that we are supposed to follow because after all, we believe what we want to believe.” For some, the idea of social construction can apply to marriage, too. Below is an analysis of this exact idea.
From “The Marriage Trap” by Meghan O’Rourke in Slate magazine (http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/books/2003/09/the_marriage_trap.html):
In “The Marriage Trap,” Meghan O’Rourke analyzes the book Against Love: A Polemic by Laura Kipnis, which is about the idea of marriage as an “equal-opportunity oppressor, trapping men and women in a life of drudgery, emotional anesthesia, and a tug-of-war struggle to balance vastly different needs.” Kipnis agues, in a semi-Marxist way, that marriage is socially constructed based on feelings of being alone or societal pressure. She also argues, “even in a post-feminist age of loose social morals we are still encouraged, from the time we are children, to think of marriage as the proper goal of a well-lived life.” Therefore, people are jumping into marriage and staying their married relationships, trying to “work” on the relationship, instead of getting divorced or facing the realities of what would happen if they weren’t married. Kipnis relates this societal pressure on capitalism and “fitting in with society,” and questions why not being married seems “unnatural” to some.
When I was home for Spring Break, my mom invited people to my house for a Friday night dinner, also known as Shabbat. The week before, she had run into my brother’s old friend, Lisa, and her now husband, Ben, and decided to extend an invitation to them. When Lisa walked in the door, I was shocked to see her. I hadn’t seen her since she was a senior in high school and I was an 8th grader. And now she was married! I sat next to them at dinner because we were all still summoned to the “kids table.” I was so excited to hear about how they met, their relationship, and their wedding. I felt like there was such a large gap of time to catch up on. I started with the basic questions about how they met, the early years of their relationship, how he proposed, and so on. Then I asked specifics about their wedding, and Lisa told me all the details about the dress, the ceremony, the food, and the party. Then I asked, “So, how does it feel to be married?” Lisa looked at Ben and he shrugged in pre-agreement about what she was about to say. She looked at me and said, “It doesn’t feel any different. To us, getting married was just something to check off the list. It was almost expected of us. You know, you date for a little while, then you get engaged, and then you get married. It was almost like, ‘Okay, check. Next issue?’ Now, the next thing on the list is a baby.”
I was in shock. They had basically just told me that getting married to them was something they did in order to check it off of their to do list. A union between two people that is epitomized through a spiritual and religious ceremony was something they wanted to check off the list? I couldn’t believe it. Lisa had such a sense of assurance on her face, as if that was a normal thing to say.
Then I realized, maybe that is a normal thing to say and I’m naïve for thinking otherwise. Why do I think that marriage has to be so fairy-tale-like, where you find your true love and ride into the sunset together? Loving each other doesn’t need to equate to being ecstatic about marriage. It could just mean knowing you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and marrying that person for the sake of making it official. Is marriage a real sign of companionship or did I just think that because that’s what I had been told my whole life? Maybe I was the one who had the socially constructed mindset.
It was just hard for me to believe that they got married out of convenience. It was very much what was expected of them, so that’s what they did to appease society. Or did they do it to fit into society? However, maybe I couldn’t believe what the couple was saying because that’s not how I was raised. I was raised by a loving couple who instilled the values of true love, companionship, and interpersonal relationship building into my every day routine. However, after listening to Lisa and Ben, I realized that this idea is also socially constructed. I’ve never thought of marriage, or any life cycle moment that you share with another person, as something to “check off the list.” Maybe I was being too judgmental of Lisa and Ben’s response to my question.
When I told my brother (the one who is friends with Lisa) about this, he didn’t seem surprised by her remark. He told me that a lot of his friends in New York City are moving in with their significant others because it is financially more feasible and it “makes the most sense.” However, what happens as a result, is that people start living together pre-maturely and it takes a toll on the relationship. But to him and his friends, that’s what makes the most sense. Frankly, I think they’re convincing themselves that they think moving in together makes the most sense because that’s what is expected of them. But maybe I’m wrong in my thinking. After all, I’m not the one in their position, so how would I know? What happened to the way I viewed companionship – as an interpersonal connection between two people that defies all expectations and societal standards. Hearing these stories made me feel like those values did not and do not exist. What parts of relationships are based on what is expected of us as people living in this society? Are we looked down upon if we don’t meet those standards? Are we happier if we do?