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VI. Conclusion: What now? 

 

From Alone in America by Robert A. Ferguson

          “Divorced women have said that they feel so much less lonely when they leave their marriages, then when they are in them.” In Alone in American, Robert A. Ferguson speaks about the idea of being alone, even when people are constantly surrounding you. As humans, we are social animals. But there are moments when we need alone time, in order to have internal conversations.  

 

From the published study and book Is Happiness Relevant?  by Ruut Veenhoven.

          According to a study “Is happiness relative?” by Ruut Veenhoven, happiness results from comparison, yet the standards of comparison are arbitrary and they can be adjusted. This study uses different situations to explore the nature of happiness and concludes that happiness is relative to others (social comparison), relative to comparisons of what we used to be like, and relative to expectations that we have for the future. Relative happiness: despite external factors, we are the only ones who can make ourselves truly happy.

 

 

          As stated in the introduction of this project, my purpose of exploring this topic came from perspective of social change – if we can figure out why we form relationships, we can better understand how to form them and bridge the gap between people of varying social identities. However, throughout the process of working on this project, I have had a lot of time to reflect on myself, my relationship with others, why I am actually so interested in this topic, and the human condition. I’ve come to the understanding that this whole project, as well as my entire portfolio, is based on trying to understand how the human condition is at the root of companionship.

         There is a photograph in the header of every page of my portfolio. The photograph was taken at the Berlin Wall and says “Get Human.” I chose this photograph because it epitomized my purpose for this portfolio: “getting” human, both in understanding humans, as well as becoming more human by understanding yourself. I didn’t know this photograph or mural on the Berlin Wall existed until I went to visit Berlin last summer. However, I have been questioning how to “get human” and empower others to “get human” for a while.

          I have always been enamored by peoples’ relationships with each other. I was raised with values of compassion, loyalty, kindness, and empathy. So, I grew up wanting to deliver those values to people. However, because I lived by those values, I also expected everyone else to live by them, as well. In short, because I valued the way I conducted my relationships with people, I had high expectations for people in return. Therefore, people often disappointed me because they always fell short of those expectations. However, I don’t blame them for this disappointment. It is my fault that my expectations are too high. But this does lead me to feel like I am on a different wavelength than everyone else. In high school and during different parts of college, I have felt isolated and alone because of this disparity of expectations. I consider myself to be very sociable and gregarious. I make friends easily and I have a large social network because of the various organizations I am affiliated with on campus. And yet, I feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness and isolation. In a way, my feelings resemble the feelings of the women in the divorced relationships described in Alone in America. Although I am surrounded by all of these people, I feel more alone when I’m with them than I do when I am not with them. This is in part because I am always thinking about how to be a better friend, girlfriend, daughter, sibling, etc. I am constantly thinking about how to improve my relationships and the role I play in them. However, I recognize that is not a normal to think. Because I am overly compassionate, I end up getting hurt because I expect that abundance of love from other people, as well.

          Despite my confidence and my deep sense of self, I need to learn how to find happiness and companionship from within. So yes, I chose this topic because I believe it can lead to social change, but I also chose this topic because I wanted to find answers in my own life. The idea of relative happiness and the lessons learned throughout the different sections of this project explain that despite external factors, our happiness is based on our intrinsic emotions. Although companionship is a basic human instinct, it is possible to find happiness and companionship from within, by virtue of accepting who I am.

          When I was having a hard time at work this summer with a co-intern, I called my dad to vent about this “mean girl.” Instead of giving me sympathy, he said, “Sara, no one can control your emotions besides you. By letting yourself internalize what she’s doing, you’re letting her take control of your body. She doesn’t own you. You own you. So take control of what’s yours. She’s going to act a certain way, despite how you feel. So don’t expect her to change. However, you can control how you react. Take control of what is yours.” For a while, I didn’t understand what he was trying to tell me. I was madder that he wasn’t giving me sympathy. But after a while, I started to realize the depth of his advice. It’s not about the other person; it’s about how I act in reaction to the other person. I am the only one I can control, so I need to do the most I can to be the most proud version of myself. The same is true for companionship: a relationship between two people exists, whether it is because of social construction of society or interpersonal connectedness, but we can only control ourselves in that relationship. We have to be transparent and honest in our needs, but also willing to make sacrifices. After all, isn’t that what a relationship is? We just have to hope that the other person does the same, and that those agents of control are compatible. Companionship, the idea of relative happiness, and the human condition are intertwined. Throughout this project, I’ve analyzed companionship from different perspectives and have found that peoples’ need for companionship comes from a biological and neurological need, social construction and expectations, comparisons to what used to be, and expectations for the future. In a way, these findings replicate the theory of relative happiness. And yet, throughout this project, I have learned that happiness comes from within. Therefore, the desire for companionship comes from within.

          In trying to understand the nature of companionship and why the desire to find companionship exists, I was hiding behind my desire to explore my fascination with this topic. I was also hiding from exploring the question why I feel so lonely, despite feeling so loved. I used other peoples’ narratives and personal stories as a comparison to my own feelings. I questioned, judged, and projected my own thoughts and biases onto the stories of these people in my life, hoping that if I could solve their issues, maybe I could solve mine, as well. However, I have learned that it does not really work like that.  I hope once I fully internalize that, I continue to explore my own identity and continue to ask questions. Then, I can begin to apply what I’ve learned to an overall trend in people. Companionship is the ultimate human condition and we are all testaments to that condition.  

 

 

 

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