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IV. Loneliness: Failure of intersubjectivity 

 

From the book, “The Social Construction of Emotions” edited by Rom Harre.

Chapter 10: Loneliness, written by Linda A. Wood

 

           In the chapter “Loneliness” written by Linda A. Wood, loneliness is defined as “one of the most powerful human experiences…[it] can thus be considered a fundamental or basic emotion” (184). She then goes on to explain, “the essence of loneliness seems to involve private experiences –of separation, of a lack of sharing, of one’s isolated individuality, of the I not the we” (187). Although there is contentious debate about whether loneliness is an emotion or not, the idea of loneliness is at the center of every social relation. However, unlike other emotions that are dependent on social elations but not at the center, loneliness comes from one person’s inability to share an experience with someone else. So naturally, loneliness is a product of once being with someone and now no longer being with that person, whether that is a product of a sour friendship, divorced marriage, broken up relationship, or a widow.

           In a way, loneliness is both individual and social. It is individual because it is happening to one particular person and that person feels separated from something else. It is social because it involves intersubjectivity, meaning it involves a lack of being connected to someone else. Intersubjectivity, the philosophical and sociologic term for analyzing the relation between two people, is at the root of understanding loneliness, because according to Wood, it involves the idea “that persons can consider themselves, and be considered, both as subject and as object, and that the central life-span task involves a dialectical process of managing independence and loneliness” (191). So, loneliness can be understood as an example of failed intersubjectivity, as a person moves from being part of a collective to being an individual.

           However, loneliness is also seen as socially constructed. For example, while a young person might say, “I wish I had a date tonight” and elderly person might say, “I miss my dead friend.” Here there is a different between the type of feelings that each of these examples has, but nonetheless, the loneliness still exists (Wood 204). Loneliness is socially constructed in the sense that it changes based on varying social identity groups. But research shows that loneliness is at each of our cores. It is at the center of every day life, as people have to work to build relationships. It is once those relationships disappear when we start to feel lonely again.

 

 

           Aunt Marilyn is eighty-four years old. She is the spunkiest, most energetic, sociable, and compassionate person I know. She is also the matriarch of my family. She loves to dance, sing, tell (the same) jokes, give relationship advice, and laugh. She’s always up for a good time, whether that includes going out for drinks with friends, going to the movies, or seeing her grandchildren and great grand nieces/nephews. She never misses a beat and her smile is contagious.

           Eight years ago, she became a widow after fifty-two years of marriage to the love of her life. I decided to interview her for this project to get her perspective on companionship, loss, and loneliness. For the first two years after her husband, Marty, died, she was miserable. In the interview, she said, “ It was very difficult for the first two years because you don’t spend fifty-two years of your life with someone and play this game and then be okay with it ending all of a sudden. I was and still am fortunate to have a lot of friends, but it was still very difficult.” After two years, she realized that she was done sulking and pouting, and she decided to get her life back on track. When I asked her whether that realization was gradual or if she woke up one morning and suddenly realized this, she remarked, “You have a true love, and the love is gone. And it takes you awhile. If you spend half your life with someone, it’s a give and take with relationships. It was lonely and I had to readjust. But then I said, ‘Well to hell with this. Are you going sit in your own stew? No way.’ I don’t want to sit in the house and rot.”

           After this realization, she started to reach out to family and friends. She took initiative when making plans and filling her days. She still had the same friends as she did when Marty was alive, yet now she was just a party of one. But those friends still included her in plans, inviting her to dinner, shows, and dancing. She explained that she still finds people with the same values, like she did in her relationship with her husband. She said it’s important to find people who love doing what you do, whether you find them as a significant other or as a friend. She told me how she still plays tennis with a dear friend and said, “We always have a ball because we’re in sync.” Aunt Marilyn explained that just because she’s a widow doesn’t mean she lost any of her values that were at her core. She says, “I’m a people person – I’d rather be with people. But even if I want to be alone, I’m happy to make those plans – party of one please. It’s been eight years. I’ve picked and I’ve chosen. I have to have the same values. And I’m open to everything, except heavy rap and pornography.” She speaks of her friends as people with the same interests as herself. She’s been reenergized after Marty’s death and has realized she can’t spend her life hidden in her apartment. Life continues, and despite her loneliness, she has found contentment within herself. She didn’t want her kids to feel obligated to take care of her so she made her own plans. She told me, “Nothing is perfect. But people who think the world is perfect are crazy. But that’s another story.”

            When I asked her what she thought companionship meant, she retorted, “Companionship is a reflection of your personality. It doesn’t matter if you’re married, single or a widow. It’s based on what you need and what’s important to you. And when you’re looking for a marriage, you’re looking for what’s important to you.” Then she told me about her current “boyfriend.” His name is Paul and he lives in her building. They met at a meet and greet for new residents when they both coincidentally moved in to their new apartment complex in New York City on the same day. They had met once or twice before, but when they saw each other again, he kept asking her to go out on dates. “We met at a cocktail party and he looked familiar. I saw him two days later in the parking lot, and he eventually got my number for the concierge desk. He asked me to go out to dinner and I said fine. Was I looking for it? Absolutely not. But he found it very difficult to be alone. Guys don’t have guy friends like girls have girlfriends.”  When I asked if she would refer to him as a boyfriend, she said absolutely not, he is just a friend. He recently came to visit her in Miami, where she lives for part of the year. He told her he missed her, so she told him to come visit. But that’s the type of person she is. She lives by the motto “if you want something, you go get it.”

            I then asked her whether she considered finding a new relationship—one that she was excited about—after her husband died. She responded, “My kids drove me crazy trying to get me to go on dating websites. But I don’t do the Internet. Facebook? I hate it. But I was very content on having my friends and doing my thing. I still feel the same way. Maybe if I didn’t have a good marriage – well no marriage is perfect because there is no such thing – but in a relationship that you want to last, the primary thing is love. Then it’s the same values. And then you’re going to have bad days and good days. They key point is no yelling, no screaming, and no cursing. But say very quietly, I think we should talk. And present the unhappiness, and if possible, inject humor into what you have to say so it’s more palatable for the other person. A good marriage is a fulltime job. Snapping your finger does not make a marriage last, work does. The key is to never go to bed angry at each other and without a kiss.” She then ended the interview by saying, “God helps those who help themselves. I had fifty two years, how lucky am I?”

            When I look at Aunt Marilyn, I always wonder if she’s lonely. I wonder how she goes home every night to an empty house. For some reason, I thought that is what happens when you become a widow. I also didn’t understand how she could have her boyfriend or how it was possible to love someone as much as she loved Marty. But that is my fault for assuming all of the above information. She’s not lonely. In fact, she’s quite content with her life. She also does not love her “boyfriend” like she loved Marty. This interview taught me that these preconceived notions about love and companionship that I thought were accurate aren’t necessarily true. Every person is unique and every relationship is individualized. It’s impossible to make generalizations about relationships as a whole because each relationship is so complex.

My interview and many conversations with Aunt Marilyn also taught me that loneliness does exist. It is a valid feeling. But at a certain point, you have to move forward. This was something I couldn’t wrap around my head before speaking to her. How is it possible to move on after so long? How strong is the human condition? After Marty died, Aunt Marilyn only had herself. She had to find the strength within herself to pick up the pieces of her life and move forward. She reached out to friends and did things that made her just as happy as they did when she was married. She’s not interested in finding another love because she already had hers. She’s content with her life and the relationships she does have.

Before we got off the phone, she reminded me to do something every day for myself that will make me smile. I have a feeling that’s how she gets through her days, too. 

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