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V. Senility and Companionship: Recreating What's Not There

 

From the chapter, “Love and the Attachment Processes,” taken out of the book Handbook of Emotions, Second Edition. 

 

Companionate love: combines feelings of deep attachment, commitment, and intimacy.

Passionate love: infatuation, obsessive love, intense longing for union with another

 

         Passionate love connects the idea of “love” to this idea of “attachment.” One research experiment studied the relationship between a child and a mother to exemplify passionate love on the basis of affection and dependency. Thus, these children’s desires for attachment at a young age affected their attachment as adults. The antecedent of this passionate love comes from this premise. Any situation or person that makes adults feel vulnerable and helpless, like they did as children, according to this study, should increase their desire to merge with that person. Some components that can attribute to this merging are low self-esteem, feelings of dependency and insecurity, anxiety, and neediness. The rewards of this passionate love can be feelings of being understood, shared sense of union, feelings of security and safety, and boosts in ego. However, the cost is high as well, as passionate love can also include feelings of loneliness, isolation, misery, and grief. 

          With companionate love, theorists associate the feeling with emotional experience, physiological reaction, and behavior. Many theorists believe that companionate love is based on evolution and the ancient need for survival: find food, avoid dying, and reproduce. Chemistry plays into this idea as well, as the hormone oxytocin, which promotes affection and intimate bonds, is rampant in animals and humans. The look, posture, sound, and behavior of companionate love can be different than that of passionate love. However, both of these types of love can be apparent in partnership simultaneously.

 

 

          Miriam, an eighty-year-old woman who inspires me to explore this question, can be a prime example of this bilateral type of love. Miriam was married until her husband, Bob, died, six years ago. Miriam and Bob were soul mates, or so she says, as they were highly compatible and shared the same values. As a couple, they were well known in their community for their philanthropic endeavors and kind souls.

Now, Miriam is incredibly independent and accomplished. However, she is also incredibly lonely. She consumes her nights with constant activities to refrain from feeling so alone, living in the same home that she shared with her husband. Her nights are filled with dinner parties, book club meetings, mahjong, and community service opportunities. She is cultured and sharp, and caring and compassionate. She is quick witted, constantly wanting to explore more and experience new moments.

            Since the loss of her husband, she has found online dating. To no avail, she has not found a suitable mate. She has met a lot of men, spoken on the phone with them, gone on dates, etc. However, they all have proven to be inadequate partners. Yet, she so desperately wants someone again. Recently Miriam told me a story about being invited to a single’s meet and greet. The event was entitled “Finding your soul mate.” When she asked her neighbor, who is also a widow, if she wanted to come along, her neighbor replied, “What is the point of going to this if I already found my soul mate?” Trying to avoid that realization, Miriam attended the event alone. There, thirty-six women outnumbered four men. The event featured a discussion in which attendees spoke about the meaning of the word soul mate. When telling me the story, she recounted that one woman stood up and boldly proclaimed, “I just need a hug. I just want to be hugged.” As those words came out of her mouth, she turned to me, her blue eyes starting to well up, and said, “She just wanted a hug. I just want to be hugged.” What seemed like a simple request had three years of loneliness and vulnerability attached to it.

            After many months of failed encounters with men, she recently told my dad that she has met someone and thinks she is truly in love again. However, this happens every time Miriam meets someone. When speaking about it with my dad, I asked him what she hopes for out of these attempts at a new relationship; is she filling a void? Is she afraid to be alone and getting older? Is she searching for true love again? Where do passionate and companionate love intersect here? My dad’s theory stemmed from Miriam’s desire to recreate the love she once had with her husband. He seems to think that she genuinely thinks she can find someone that will give her as much satisfaction and feeling of wholeness that Bob once gave to her. He also claims that it is because of her feelings of insecurity and lack of self-esteem that were once non-existent because of Bob, which have caused her to genuinely want to pursue online dating. So, it is more of a passionate love than a companionate love. My dad seems to theorize that why Miriam feels the need for companionship can be linked to this purely genuine attempt at recreating her life with Bob.

            When listening to Miriam ramble about all of the men she’s been pursuing, I can’t help but think about my own life and what companionship means to me. Why should I blame her for wanting to pursue another man? She’s lonely and deserves to be happy. She just makes me question what I need to be happy. I used to think that happiness came from finding companionship and true love. Not necessarily with a spouse, but with any relationship I have. However, internalizing Miriam’s story and my dad’s commentary on it, I’ve come to see that Miriam will never be happy if she continues on this road. Frankly, it is impossible for her to find a new Bob because only one Bob exists. She’s using online dating to fill a void that can be filled if she looks inward. When examining my own life, I need to learn to do this. I need to learn from Miriam’s loneliness and where it comes from. Maybe understanding Miriam’s story will help me understand my own. Maybe we can work on ourselves, together.  

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